Battle Royale

Free-write: I was going to write a post about Hillary Clinton and the possible apocalypse that would follow her election, but I'm really starting to get tired of defending the remnants of the free world. So rather, I decided to write a post about the newest craze sweeping Centennial Hall: Battle Royale!

The last decade or so, so called ‘Psychologists’ have been pumping out books to encourage self-help for anger control, social cooperation, and the peaceful resolution of potentially hostile situations. My floor’s response to this was resilient and unwavering: F that.

We came up with a better way to resolve our differences the civilized old fashion way; a duel. Following the example of the founding fathers Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr, we decided that the only way to sufficiently satisfy a hostile situation was to fight publicly.

Due to recent modifications to civil standards and murder laws, we use swords made out of duct tape instead of pistols. There are a decently clear set of rules, which can be found on Fourth Floor's Website, but they are lengthy, so here’s the quick version. If someone gets pissed off at someone else, they have to yell Battle Royale at the top of their lungs. It’s kind of embarrassing to decline a Battle Royale, so the challenged usually yells back Battle Royale, accepting the challenge.

The swords are then brought out. The swords have to be approved by the OBRC (Official Battle Royale Committee) and are constructed using newspapers encased in a outer shell of duct tape. They are sometimes reinforced in the center by broken clothes hangers or some other plastic rod.

The battle is simple, primal if you will. There are three rounds, three minutes long each. The only ’don’ts’ are that for males, there are no crotch shots, and for females, there are no boob shots. Those in disagreement wail on each other for a total of nine minutes, with the possibility of a three minute overtime. The crowd in attendance votes on who won, and the disagreement is settled once and for all.

I've included a video for demonstration, but just a warning: Due to the intensity and real-time filming of the event, there is an extreme amount of vulgar languange. If you are offended by such, please turn the volume off before viewing.



This development will one day win the committee a Nobel Prize, and we have a meeting with the UN next week to explore the possibility of using Battle Royale to replace the act of warfare, which has been losing popularity over the last few hundred years.